I couldn't come up with a topic on my own (again! Sigh). Once again, a writing prompt saves the day. The question asks what would be the one thing I would change about myself. One? Really? Did the writing gods not notice my inability to settle on ONE thing?
This is difficult for me. As I am pondering this question, I know it will be vague. Maybe even generic but I will try and narrow it down a bit more.
I want to be a better person. Generic, right? Super cliche, even. I know, I know... However, I feel I can have sub-categories. Well, as I have said before, I will write whatever-I-feel-like-GOSH (Hee, I love Napoleon Dynamite way too much).
Just because I can:
Here are my sub-categories:
1. A better mom. I love, love, love my daughter but I have NEVER had the nurturing-mommy-instinct thing. Never. I am impatient. I am selfish. Showing my feelings has always been difficult but that is one thing that I never lack with Emma. I shower her with love. I have never been able to do that with my siblings, parents or exes. However, with Emma it's so easy to show her love. I am a terrible teacher. I am lazy and I am making her lazy. It's not okay. She has disabilities and needs to be more active. She's the sweetest firecracker ever.
2. A better sister/aunt/cousin. I am absolutely terrible. I am never there for my family! I am just not. It's not that I don't care- I am oblivious and that's not acceptable. I wish we were much closer and tight knit. We had a difficult upbringing and my parents really didn't have the coping skills to deal with having nine children. I am sad that we aren't close but I also don't reach out like I should. We're all going through rough patches and we tend to shut down. I have a big, beautiful family and it's like we're all ... apart. I want. I want. I want. That's what I keep saying. I want. No. I will.
|Early 80s. Five out of Nine kids. Picture of a picture. Classy, I know.|
|My oldest sister, my sister Steph in stripes, me in the hot pink and my two oldest nieces in front.|
The following are photos from when I returned home to Kansas for my dad's funeral. Just a small portion of us.
3. A better friend. Again. See above. I am a terrible friend and I know it. I lost a ton of my friends due to my own inability to be a good friend. I sit and wait and expect them to run to me. I am a taker, not a giver. I can't be this way. I used to be a good friend.
|Halloween. The B Team. Like the @A-Team, only... nerdier.|
|Blurry photo but me and a very dear friend of mine drinking White Chocolate Cherry Martinis. Delcious!|
I will be a better mom, family member and friend. Again.
Maybe I will then decide to date again. Ha. Or not. We'll see.