Dreams, Goals, and Fears...

Happy Sunday!  

As I posted previously, I am posting as often as I can but with finishing up my last semester (possibly last... we'll see.  I tend to continue on to reach multiple goals...), I need to remain focused.  However, I am procrastinating with three assignments due today and here I am! 

I wanted to touch on dreams, goals and fears.  

I have so many dreams.  I have a ton of goals but they all scare me to death.  I am overwhelmed because I want to do it all! How do I begin? How do I decide? I think about the plethora of obstacles and adversities I have overcome in my life and although I haven't achieved a lot of my goals, I have overcome many other obstacles.  When you take a moment to look back at your life, take a hard look.  I am sure there were times you wanted to curl up in a fetal position and give up but you didn't, right?  Maybe you did give up and you know what? Sometimes, we need to.  There are times when it's okay to give up as long as you aren't giving up on yourself or your dreams! Thursday night, I cried.  I am taking an extra class this semester and I just knew this wasn't a good idea but I figured, I can do this! I cried because I couldn't figure out how to do any of my assignments that were due.  It was terrible! I was spinning my wheels and my anxiety levels sky rocketed.  I raised my hands in the air and said "I GIVE!" and had plans to just quit it all! I thought this was stupid and I had no clue why I was doing this and it won't get me anywhere.  Blah blah blah. Negative Nancy.  I flipped off my computer and put it in hibernate, grabbed the iPad and went to my bed.   I berated myself by calling myself stupid and wasting my time and energy and to embrace being a loser. I threw on Netflix and watched Magnum P.I.  Don't judge.  Tom Selleck was uber hotness.  Those shorts and that 'stache.  Yum. 

I needed sleep.  Badly.  I came back Friday night, tackled the problems and I am not 100% convinced I was correct on them but I finished them.  I needed to complete my assignments and I wasn't going to give up.  I spent as much time rereading the assignment and looking for tutorials.  I think I got it but I am not sure.  My point is.... don't give up.  I had put myself in a bad place mentally which created a snowball effect and I wanted to give up on all of my dreams.   I can't.  I just can't let go of my dreams.  They are too important.  I want to set up a small business (in process) and I also want to create two non profits- One to aid women who want to further themselves in their lives via education, empowerment, or starting a business (among many other things, not limited to those three).  Women who have to overcome obstacles such as having a conviction on their records, single moms, abuse survivors, etc.  I want to be the dream fulfill-er.  I want to help their dreams become reality!  The other non profit I want to create is I want to help out those who are affected by child abuse.  When I was going through everything with Emma, I had no clue what to expect.  I was overwhelmed by the criminal trial and I sat through most of it by myself.  My family would have come but I wanted somebody with me who understood what I was going through.  I wanted somebody who understood it all.  I want to be that resource.  I want to be there with these families.  The court provides a victim's advocate and they are absolutely wonderful, I still keep in touch with ours but it's different with someone who has been there.  I want to help these families navigate the process of court, their new life with a child who is disabled or the loss of a child, the school system, the behaviors... etc.  We lose the friendships we had.  It's not that our friends leave... it's because we change.  We become different people.  Those friends will talk about their children making honor roll while my child is learning to use the restroom at nine.  They mean well when they say you aren't given anything more than you can handle, blah blah blah.  I hate that.  I can BARELY handle it some days.  I want my child back! I love her to pieces just as she is but some days, I feel so ragged.  My friends, who I love to pieces, don't understand this.  My friends who have gone through this, they do.  They understand my insane rants and I understand theirs.  This is why I want to create a network, an army.

Okay.  Rambling complete.

How about a song about never giving up?
Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten:

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it


1 comment

  1. I know you will get to the point in life where you will be doing exactly what you want to do.


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